Down A Dark Alley

The sunrise this morning brought me to tears.

My trip back to the Bay Area was full of ups & downs.
I just don't see myself as a Californian anymore... and I love that.
I don't want to live in a big city.
I need to be surrounded by mountains, water & forest
Drinking & the bars just don't interest me anymore.
I'm ready to slow down,
to work on my art and my spirituality.
To see where this life takes me...

I know I need to reinvent my ideas of "Californian"
I'm ready to search for the natural beauty I've never noticed before.
To find the secret parks, trails, & farmers markets I've never noticed before.
I left everything I considered comfortable once... and I flourished.
It's time to do it again.

*deep breaths*

It's been 6 days without a cigarette.
I want to kill everyone.
fuck this.









//I need a new default icon

I need to get this out of my head. I really don't feel well. my stomach has been in knots lately... I actually threw up a little this morning. I think too much about stupid shit.


1) I'm moving in less than 3 months. Will I sell my car? What will I rent to get to CA? How much will it cost? How much money will I have saved? I need a job. Will I freak out living at my moms? Can I afford California again? Will it work out with Nick? Will I be happy? Am I ready to leave Seattle?

2) I'm quitting smoking tomorrow. I set the date over 2 months ago... 09/09/09 I don't even want to talk about it. It's going to be so fucking hard to get over. I'm nervous and scared and worried I won't stick it out. But the thought of being FREE gives me such a sense of calm... I hope I can hang on.

3) My shoot for the pin-up calendar is in 2 weeks. When my mind is quiet I hear myself repeating over and over "you're fat. you're so fucking fat, it's disgusting" I try and ignore it, shake it off some how... but it's there and it won't leave me alone. I'm terrified of this shoot. I'm the heaviest I've ever been and I'm about to pretend I'm sexy enough for this fucking thing. I can't complain to anyone. I have complete control over myself and I haven't been pushing hard enough to see the results I want. I miss my old body.

4) I can't sleep. It's starting to obviously affect my mood. I'm tired all day and awake every 2 hours at night. It's been like this for weeks. I wake up in the middle of the night and all of the shit I've just listed begins it's never ending loop in my head. I'm never comfortable and my brain never stops.

So that's that.

I've decided to sell everything I have, which isn't too much, and move back to California with a clean slate. I just started my first project: going through old pictures, picking out the good & tossing the rest. Right now I"m looking at a huge garbage bag full of memories sitting on my bed. I keep thinking about taking it out to the trash, but I'm having a hard time following through. Is there really such a thing as a "bad" picture? Each moment was special. Every time I touched a button there was a purpose behind it. Some sparkle I saw that I wanted to remember forever. Years and years of every emotion captured. I'm reminded of terrible old relationships, and the times I spent smiling and laughing with these people I've chosen to forget. Old apartments, back yards, weddings, vacations, graduations. So much color, texture, feeling... I want to take this garbage bag and stuff it under my bed. Hiding it from sight and memory but not letting go. These aren't fleeting digital moments. This is a bag full of tangible. Real. Once upon a time...

The beginnings of My life's List of Things To Do:

See:
1. The Northern lights in Alaska
2. The Great Wall of China
3. A rain forest... anywhere really
4. Chichén Itzá in Mexico
5. The great pyramids in Egypt
6. Taj Mahal in India
7. Olympia, Greece... the statue of Zeus
8. Visit the Louvre in Paris
9. Tate Museum in London
10. Dali Museum in Florida
11. Sydney Opera House
12. Carnegie Hall
13. Grand Canyon
14. Niagara Falls
15. New Orleans
16. Go to either a world series or superbowl game
17. The great barrier reef
18. The Nile
19. Either the North or South pole...
20. Love Parade & Oktoberfest in Germany


Do:
1. Publish a photography book
2. Have a child
3. Own a 1964 Falcon
4. Get married
5. Learn Italian (enough to get away with it)
6. Climb a mountain
7. Burningman
8. Coachella
9. Bonnaroo
10. Have a solo gallery show
11. Take the train from Alaska - as far south as I can
12. Go on a cruise
13. Race a car
14. Fire a shotgun
15. Go sailing
16. Sing with a band... on stage... and not suck
17. Run/walk a marathon
18. Go scuba diving
19. Reach a full gallop on a horse
20. Own chickens
21. Knit a hat & matching scarf or mittens
22. Hunt something, clean it & eat it
23. Learn to swing dance better
24. Spin fire poi on a beach in Hawaii
25. Tend bar somewhere

Since I got home from CA and made the decision to move back, I've been feeling like shit. I've been sick with swollen tonsils, a cough, congestion & earaches. My back has been sunburned and peeling terribly. I'm still not talking to my best friend. The thought of telling people I'm leaving has been making my heart ache.
So I called the bestest to deal with our shit. The new plan of me not being around in 6 months made the whole thing less complicated. We met at the bar last night and went for a walk around the block. She spoke first and apologized profusely for being totally out of line and a little drunk. We talked for a good 20 minutes & I got to tell her I was moving. The rest of the night was spent catching up on the last week & her being totally supportive of my move. I was able to talk out all my fears and I feel 110% better about the whole damn thing this morning.
I know she's crazy. So am I. We're very different kinds of crazy, but for some reason it really works for the both of us.

Happy independence day n shiat :o)

I've accomplished so much in Seattle
So many personal goals have been attained
It's time to push myself towards the next life-step
I need to get out of debt. Badly.
Student loans + credit cards = $20g in the hole :o/
The kicker?
I don't think I can pull it off without moving back to California
more specifically... back to my Mother's house
I haven't lived at home since I was 17
The thought of leaving Seattle gets me immediately choked up
Attempting to find a job in the Bay Area right now is damn near impossible

blech.
I'm pretty sure it's going to happen
probably not til December
I haven't told many people
I'm not ready at all

Stupid fucking money.



I need to win the lotto & stay in Seattle forever.



I can't find the energy to write in complete sentences
I have no desire to see anyone
do anything
there's too much nostalgia happening
I'm reviewing every friendship, every relationship
What kind of mark have I left on the PNW?
because I know a big piece of my heart will never leave this place...
When I think about moving, I get the same choked up pain in my chest that I feel when I've just broken up with someone. ...I've never been good with goodbyes
ugh

Solstice weekend was full of sunshine, parades, fire spinning and friends. I had an amazing time taking pictures all day on Saturday and learning a couple new tricks with my poi. Saturday night brought a bitchin solstice party with amazing live music I danced to all night. I totally madeout with my friend James at one point & it was nice to feel someone that close again. So in my drunken happy state I start to toss around the idea of going home with him, why not? I ask my best friend and ride home what her opinion is and then it happens. We step outside so she could explain to me why her answer is an emphatic NO...
"Because you can't FUCK EVERYONE in the god damned bar".
The tone of voice she used was just fucking hurtful, mean and rude. I talked to her last night about it, let her know that it really hurt and I thought it was just mean. I waited for an apology until the end of the conversation. She gave me a half assed "I'm sorry" sandwiched in between constant excuses. Then she started to tell me that I talk about myself constantly. That it's hard for her to get a word in edgewise. That it seems like I don't care about her advice and I don't listen to her at all. She told me that she needed to "drive the point home" and she seriously felt that those words were the only ones that I would hear.
I hung up the phone after very calmly explaining I was really upset and needed some time. I don't fight, I don't yell... I don't really know how to deal with this. I'm so fucking hurt by the entire situation I don't know what to do. Who says this shit to someone they care about?? What do I say to her now?
We have a fucking pinup girl calendar meeting tonight with the other photographer and all the models... I don't even want to look at her.
I already know she will have talked to a couple of the other girls.
I can already hear the shit they talk about me.

Still feeling lonely. But I realized this morning that it's not because I'm not dating/fucking/flirting with anyone at the moment. I've been pulling away from everyone for weeks now... waiting for them to come to me, and when that doesn't happen I pull back farther... wondering why I don't have any close friends. This used to be a normal occurrence back in CA, but it hasn't happened since I moved to Seattle. I'm really not sure what to do about it. I can't seem to convince myself to stay positive and snap out of it. I mean, in theory, I'd like to be able to give myself all the love and attention I need without having to look to anyone else... but am I using that as an excuse to pull away? I don't know. I don't know who to reach out to, who to talk to, who cares?

Oh, and I was shaving my legs with a new razor this morning and cut up my right leg like I was a fucking 12 year old trying to shave for the first time. Seriously, like 47 little nicks bleeding all over the fucking place.




Things will change, they always do...

who cares?

weird weekend.

beach
booze
fire dancers
more booze
old friends
no sleep
hangovers
more booze
80's dance party
cops playing twister
no sleep
flaky friends
lonely

I don't know what to do with myself. I got home last night from Sasquatch, my first 3-day music festival experience. I've rewritten this next line 6 times now.... nothing seems to fit. I still can't find the words to describe what happened out there. It was refreshing & exactly what I needed it to be. I don't want to be home right now. I don't want to be clean and sober and quiet and comfortable. I want to be back in the hot, dirty, loud and breath-taking energy of the gorge.

*sigh*

In the mean time, as I adjust back to life in Seattle, I'll be downloading and listening to the amazing music I heard over the past weekend...

Animal Collective
Mos Def
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
St. Vincent
TV on the Radio
NIN
Jane's Addiction
Erykah Badu
& Ben Harper

We have satellite radio at work & they recently updated their content and added a couple new stations. Yesterday I put on the 90's station for the first time & this is what the first hour of my morning sounded like:

TLC - Waterfalls
En Vouge - Never Gonna Get It
Oasis - Wonderwall
Blackstreet - No Diggity
Janet Jackson - That's The Way Love Goes
Hanson - MMMMBop
Paula Abdul - Opposites Attract
Blind Melon - No Rain
Baby I'm Yours - Shai
I Can't Dance - Genesis
Mariah Carey - Fantasy

hehe :o)

I just heard Chris Isaac for the first time in a decade or so... followed by Kris-Kross of course!

The world was on fire
No one could save me but you.
Strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No, I don't want to fall in love
[This love is only gonna break your heart]
No, I don't want to fall in love
[This love is only gonna break your heart]
With you

I think it's only been 2 weeks that I've been running in the morning, I really can't remember. I don't care, I'm not counting. Today felt different. The initial hill I have to climb didn't wind me, my shin splints are gone, my calf cramps are gone and I was able to run farther than normal without feeling like my chest was going to explode. I haven't been weighing myself because my goal isn't really about that anymore... I just want to feel *better* - but I put my skinny jeans on this morning just for fun and I don't feel squished into them.
*giggle*
It's hard not going out to my bar every night, and there a few people that I miss spending time with... but damn it if I don't feel really really good about how I'm treating my body right now. I don't think I've pushed myself physically since high school... It's time to see what I'm capable of. I'm damn excited!

Next on the list... quitting smoking... but I don't think I'm ready for that one just yet. But soon, very soon.

I was about to update my facebook status to: Ali Torres wants a workout buddy.
...But that's not quite right.
I want a gardening buddy and a cooking buddy and a baseball buddy.
I want a buddy to make coffee and breakfast with in the morning.
I want a buddy to read the funnies with.
A buddy to listen to good music with on our way to the farmers market.
I want a sleeping buddy and a fuck buddy.



WANTED: A life buddy.

must come down.


my happy streak is over.
nothing feels right.
my stomach hates me.
my heart hurts.
cried for the first time in a while this morning. all morning.
whatever.

I'm starting a container garden this weekend
...it's my first gardening attempt ever...

Anyone have any helpful hints??

:o)

Gonna try and pick up some pots today
maybe hit up some garage sales on Saturday
Free craigslist for the dirt...

I wanna do a mixture of perennials and edibles... we'll see

It was fucking beautiful out this weekend
I played catch for a little bit on Saturday
Then again for a few hours Sunday afternoon, got to hit a couple rounds n everything...
actually have a little baby tan line!!!
It feels soooo good to be baseball sore :o)
I heart Spring.

...Just had this little exchange with my coworker Todd (who's band I've been working with)

Me: I'm sore
Todd: Me toooo
Me: What'd you do this weekend?
Todd: Fucking ROCKED


Apparently they played a sold out show at Hells Kitchen to a crowd of 400ish

good times :o)

Happy Monday all

I know I'm neglecting this damn journal... I'm kinda OK with that right now :o)
I'll be back one day.

Good:
- Promo shoot for my coworkers band was the awesome. I have a couple shots getting published next month and 2 of the members want me to shoot their solo stuff too.
- I've got my first Seattle photo show coming up this summer. It's gonna be at at this little pub Pies & Pints and oddly, I think it's going to have a religious tone... More details later.
- I've almost finished the 6 commissions I got last month. The money I make from these is going to pay my rent for THREE FUCKING MONTHS. So awesome.
- There is very minimal drama in my life right now which is always nice
- I like this boy and he likes me
- The job is stable and not sucking too much, so I'm missing less work and getting better paychecks
- My roommates are rad and we've started a collective/ongoing art project
- It's Spring, I've started playing catch again & just bought my best friend a new glove for her birthday... we're gonna try and join a slow-pitch team this summer
- Going back to the bay in exactly one month to welcome my youngest sister back from Florence (she's been gone for 5 months) While I'm back I get to see Daveeed's band for the first time and meet Donna's baby!


Not as good:
- I'm still really poor
- My stomach has been more upset than usual more often than usual. This freaks me out.
- I really really need to make a dentist appointment
- I feel like my car is on it's last legs
- I can't go down to LA next weekend with my friends to see Puscifer cause my finances suck. so lame.


The good far outweighs the bad right now and I'm totally aware of it.


:o)


wurd.

my friend donna went into labor this morning.
i'm jealous.